I not too long ago celebrated my 72nd birthday so the method of growing old could be very a lot on my thoughts. And in honor of that birthday I took the previous few weeks off from educating the net lessons ( I’m again to my common educating schedule in October) to take care of some nagging physique points by partaking in an historic cleaning and rejuvenation therapeutic course of by way of Ayurveda known as a Panchakarma, and WHEW however that’s been intense.
This mini-sabbatical additionally gave me the area and time to get quiet and mirror on what this new part of elder hood means to me. The bodily adjustments are all too actual. I must relaxation extra and people nagging points take rather a lot longer to heal. My focus continues to be far more inside and my energizer bunny self has change into slower and far much less occupied with doing. Being is the secret.
This era of my life additionally contains numerous trying again and reflecting on the place I’ve been by honoring the varied epochs of my journey that acquired me right here.
Similar to feeling a deep sense of gratitude for that younger lady in her 20’s who courageously left her household residence and made a life for herself within the wilds of California with no plan, simply leaping fearlessly into the unknown. The lady in her 30’s who devoted herself to studying as a lot as attainable and honing her craft as a healer in order that she might deliver a brand new approach of being into the world. The lady in her 40’s who took some main and sometimes scary dangers to change into her full and unapologetic self. And the girl in her 50’s and 60’s who took all the mastery that she had developed over the a long time and constructed a really profitable enterprise doing this bizarre ass intuitive portray factor and birthing some really superb inventive experiences and mentoring applications for her many college students and shoppers.
However I’m additionally noticing a really fascinating phenomenon on the psychological stage for each me and my many beloved college students who’re additionally at this part in our lives.
I’m somebody who has been fairly dedicated to self consciousness, understanding myself and exploring my internal psychological and emotional worlds. I’ve put numerous power into attempting to dismantle my varied poisonous patterns comparable to codependency, low self price, giving myself away to others and never taking good care of myself.
And I’ve performed a fairly good job of that, making a life for myself that has been fulfilling and satisfying on so many ranges.
However there’s been one or two of these patterns which were extremely tough to root out and alter. They’ve been so deeply tied in with my identification and sense of self that really letting go of them has felt fairly terrifying.
I’m nonetheless chipping away at my unrelenting self reliance. And despite the fact that my physique is certainly transferring at a special rhythm as of late the interior strain to repeatedly be producing could be very pissed off with this new expertise of slowness.
And I’m asking this query rather a lot… who am I now? And who can I be if I TRULY let go of these historic patterns that I affiliate with my survival ? Is there another expertise of myself that’s aching to be revealed? And does this strategy of therapeutic EVER finish??? ( stated with a wry smile and a little bit of a watch roll.)
As I am going via this subsequent part of unraveling and unfolding I’m additionally reminding myself of this historic and holy reality …. that turning into an elder is a fierce observe. Outdated is to not be messed with. Outdated is an honorable and venerable place to be. And that the journey to elder hood and past is simply one other alternative to be inventive and brave within the face of the wild unknown.
OLD FIRE
I’m nonetheless stunned once I look within the mirror
And see an previous lady trying again at me
However one factor that surprises me much more
Than the wrinkling pores and skin and the jiggly jowls
Is that this previous womans eyes are full of hearth
This isn’t a cheery hearth
Creating a way of cozy heat and homey security
Confined, contained and domesticated in a fire manufactured from polished stone
Or the raucous bonfire on a sand studded seashore
Blazing to the heavens with a starvation for increasingly more and extra
As youthful, limber, glistening our bodies dance with abandon and beauty
Fed by the warmth and the promise of fecund, aching life
The hearth that hides behind this previous lady’s eyes
Is a hearth that may now not be reined in
Tamed
Domesticated
Harnessed
Muzzled
Or managed by my human will or choice
It’s an historic hearth
A howling hearth
A timeless hearth
A harmful hearth
It’s the raging wildfire that cleanses the panorama all the way down to the rocks and stones
Abandoning nothing however blackened bushes on a mountain hillside
Bare and charred in preparation of the gradual eventuality of rebirth
It’s the all consuming hearth that strips your skeleton clear
Bleaching it strong white
Leaving it mendacity uncovered within the charnel home
As devoted monks wail and pray over that remaining uncovering
Making your calcified corpse sacred as soon as once more
It’s an timeless hearth
Smoldering quietly as glowing-eyed embers
A hidden warmth buried beneath layers of grey ash
Awaiting simply the best second to burst into the flame of righteous revelation
It’s the invisible hearth that burns with a secret information
That solely comes when you have got lived lengthy sufficient
To really feel in your bones the understanding of your personal demise
This fireplace strips away any phantasm of compartments and classes
Labels and preferences
Titles and demarcations
This fireplace reveals the story of separation as the largest lie of all
This fireplace lays naked a reality that’s not often spoken
The reality that this earthly realm we battle to name residence
Is just not a battleground between the forces of sunshine and darkish
Proper or mistaken
Good or evil
Life or loss of life
However that we’re rocked within the loving arms of an ongoing and everlasting rhythm
Of thriller and epiphany
Divination and manifestation
Proclamation and prophecy
Inspiration and wildness
Breaking down
Breaking open
Breaking free
The hearth stripping away something that’s not the tender information
That every part is one factor
That holy paradox and numinous contradictions
Are merely the thousand upon thousand upon thousand faces of affection
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