Podcast: Teach Your Kids About Their Anchored Identity (Christina Fox)

This text is a part of the The Crossway Podcast collection.

Assist Your Children Cling to an Anchored Identification in an Unanchored World

On this episode, Christina Fox talks about youngsters’ want for a powerful sense of identification that’s rooted in an understanding of God as our creator, sustainer, and redeemer.

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Matters Addressed in This Interview:

Matt Tully
Christina, thanks a lot for becoming a member of me on The Crossway Podcast in the present day.

Christina Fox
Thanks for having me.

Matt Tully
Some time again you wrote an article for Crossway the place you famous that in the present day youngsters are rising up and attempting to develop their identities in an “unanchored world.” I ponder if you happen to might simply unpack that somewhat bit. What do you imply by an unanchored world?

Christina Fox
I feel our tradition actually simply isn’t rooted within the gospel, clearly, and while you aren’t rooted in something like that, you’re simply following the tendencies or what different individuals are saying or what everyone seems to be doing. And I feel we see that loads in what’s occurring in our tradition, the place folks hear one thing, whether or not on tv or on social media, they usually simply immediately imagine it. They don’t have any basis to filter that by way of. And so I feel our youngsters are rising up in that sort of tradition the place there isn’t any “that is what is true and that is what’s improper.”

Matt Tully
There’s not even a message of “that is who you’re.” The push of our tradition in the present day is that this individualism the place you need to outline your self.

Christina Fox
Yeah. You be you, I suppose.

Matt Tully
It makes me consider Carl Truman’s ebook, The Rise and Triumph of the Fashionable Self, the place he talks about that expressive individualism that’s simply the air during which all of us stay and breathe in the present day.

Christina Fox
Undoubtedly. A post-truth tradition is one other technique to speak about it. I feel at any time when you’re anchorless like that, something goes, something is okay, something is true. And that varies from individual to individual, and I feel that’s why so many individuals are simply confused.

Matt Tully
So what do you assume are among the emotional or psychological impacts on youngsters of attempting to type their identities? As a result of that’s a lot of what childhood is is youngsters determining solutions to the questions, Who am I? What’s my place on the earth? What am I going to do with my life? What influence does it have on them to then develop up on this tradition the place there aren’t any anchors and there’s no set mind-set about themselves?

Christina Fox
I feel one of many anchors that we’re listening to, although, is you’re how you are feeling. So nonetheless you are feeling in the present day is who you’re. I feel a number of the anchors they do listed here are flimsy and shifting and continually altering, however individuals are actually attempting to construct their lives on it—like that proverbial constructing a home on sand. And so I feel that these are issues that they’re listening to, and that causes a number of confusion. I feel it could trigger a number of anxiousness and even melancholy in all of us, not simply youngsters.

Matt Tully
We do learn these stats about younger folks in the present day with the charges of hysteria and melancholy actually skyrocketing in scary methods. And so you may see that possibly there’s a connection there with this unanchored world during which we’re rising up.

Christina Fox
Yeah, undoubtedly.

Matt Tully
This new ebook that you just’ve written is an image ebook. It’s aimed toward youngsters ages 3–5. I feel one query we would have as a mother or father is, Do I actually should be speaking to my youngsters about these questions of identification at that age? Are they actually asking these questions but? Are we introducing ideas that aren’t useful but for them? How would you reply to that?

Christina Fox
I feel we have to begin as quickly as attainable. With a number of our struggles with our personal identification, we are able to hint them again to even our childhoods. I do know that even for myself. Not that way back, we had been transferring and I used to be going by way of all these packing containers of papers my mother and father had saved for me. It included all of my report playing cards from Kindergarten and all through. And each single one the instructor had written on the backside, “She is quiet and shy.” “She’s too quiet.” “She by no means says something.” And so I grew up with that as a part of my identification.

Matt Tully
That was who you had been. “I’m the quiet child.”

Christina Fox
“That’s simply who I’m. I’m the quiet child.” And I feel that had a big effect on the issues I pursued in life, as a result of I assumed, “Nicely, if that’s who I’m, which means I can’t do these different issues.”

Matt Tully
It’s superb how a few of these issues can, even issues that from our early days of childhood, we hear one thing described about us or we consider ourselves in a sure approach and it could solely nearly develop into a self-fulfilling prophecy. “Oh yeah, I’m the shy child, so which means I’m going to nearly be extra shy now sooner or later.” Do you assume that may occur for teenagers?

Christina Fox
Oh, undoubtedly. And so I feel, as adults, our growth of identification actually does begin once we’re younger, and that’s why it’s so vital to, as mother and father, educate our youngsters from the very starting who they’re with the intention to give them that basis so they’re anchored within the reality after they exit into the world they usually hear conflicting issues they usually know, No, that’s not who I’m.

Matt Tully
One of many issues that struck me as I learn by way of your ebook is simply how widespread among the identification markers that we regularly take into consideration and discuss with with our youngsters might be issues that we’re not likely even attempting to outline them in a sure restricted approach; they’re simply the way in which that we regularly communicate to youngsters. A kind of huge methods, and possibly one of the widespread questions that we’d prefer to ask younger youngsters as mother and father and as adults, is, “What do you wish to be while you develop up?” I ponder if you happen to might replicate on that somewhat bit. First, what did you wish to be? How did you reply that query as a child? I feel you’ve got a enjoyable reply.

Christina Fox
Sure.

Matt Tully
After which simply communicate somewhat bit about how even a query like that may, at occasions, possibly be unhelpful.

Christina Fox
Nicely, I wished to be Nancy Drew.

Matt Tully
Who wouldn’t wish to be a detective?

Christina Fox
Yeah! I simply thought it was tremendous enjoyable, particularly when you’ve got George and Bess to go together with you, and also you get to journey in a cool automotive. So yeah, that’s what I wished to be. However after all, she was a fictional character.

Matt Tully
Arduous to drag that one off.

Christina Fox
As adults, once we meet somebody for the primary time, we regularly reply with the job that we do and say issues like, “I’m a instructor. I’m an accountant. I’m a graphic designer.” And that simply turns into a part of our identification. However I feel we see that battle particularly when somebody loses their job, for instance. What occurs while you’re not that instructor or an accountant or a graphic designer? What does that do? You are feeling unanchored as a result of that’s who you thought you had been.

Matt Tully
And we possibly even subtly educate youngsters to start out to do this. Even at a younger age earlier than they ever have a job, we’re sort of already saying, “That is going to be a foundational a part of who you’re.” So how do you concentrate on that? As a result of it’s true that what we do for work is vital. For me, I work full time and a giant a part of my life is what I’m doing for my job. So how do you concentrate on that? And the identical with youngsters—there are issues that they’re doing or concerned with that do find yourself taking a number of their time and power and thought. How will we educate youngsters how to consider that?

Christina Fox
For me, having realized the Westminster Confession rising up, that first query simply all the time prompts me to recollect who I’m. And for me, that’s that basis of, “What’s the chief finish of man? It’s to glorify God and revel in him perpetually.” And the Bible says that it doesn’t matter what you’re doing—whether or not you eat, whether or not you drink—do all of it for the glory of God. And so I feel that no matter job we might have, as a result of it modifications loads all through our life, no matter ability we’ve, whether or not we’re an athlete or a scientist or no matter is our gifting that God has given us, our purpose must be to glorify God in no matter that’s. And that’s actually our final objective. And so once we educate youngsters at a younger age, “Wow! You’re nice at operating! You’re actually quick.” Or, “You’re wonderful at math.”

Matt Tully
“You’re so good.”

Christina Fox
“However it doesn’t matter what, you do it for the glory of God. Even when in the future you may’t run as quick as you used to.”

Matt Tully
That’s sort of the liberating, superb factor for us as Christians is that if our best, highest objective as creatures is to glorify God with all that we’ve, even when what we’ve modifications—God would possibly take away a capability for us or take away a job—and but that doesn’t truly change our skill to glorify him with no matter we’ve. And so we are able to preserve fulfilling our highest objective even when the conditions change.

Christina Fox
Proper.

Matt Tully
One factor that you just notice is that our youngsters are being raised in a world during which identification and objective are integrally linked to the pursuit of happiness. That sort of defines the world during which we stay in the present day. And also you truly reference on this article a pair completely different examples from some well-liked youngsters films the place we see this message taught. I ponder if you happen to might share any of these examples. What are among the popular culture influences that our youngsters are experiencing that reinforce this concept that in the end your identification must be wrapped up in no matter makes you most completely satisfied?

Christina Fox
I feel there are particular phrases and phrases that we hear a number of. I feel I even talked about one like “you be you” or “What does your coronary heart inform you to do?”

Matt Tully
“Observe your coronary heart.” That’s a traditional Disney theme.

Christina Fox
Yeah, undoubtedly. And while you hear issues so typically, it simply turns into a part of the background noise of your life, and it actually does affect the way in which that you just stay life. And so the pursuit of particular person happiness appears to be what everyone seems to be chasing after. As I discussed earlier than, a number of these issues change. How we really feel about issues modifications from each day, second to second for a few of us. I’ve typically written about how the world defines our coronary heart is completely different from how the Bible defines our coronary heart. And in order that makes a big effect in how we interpret what the world is telling us.

Matt Tully
How would you describe that distinction between the world’s understanding of our coronary heart and Scripture’s?

Christina Fox
It looks as if, particularly while you’re watching issues on TV or watching films, the world appears to distinguish between ideas and emotions. Our coronary heart is our emotions, our head is our ideas, they usually’re at conflict with one another and it is advisable to observe what your coronary heart is telling you to do or what you’re feeling within the second. That’s the true voice that you just wish to observe, based on the world. However the way in which the Bible defines the guts is completely different. It encompasses all the pieces about us. It’s like our core self, together with our ideas, our emotions, our will, and our motivations—all of that.

Matt Tully
I used to be additionally pondering that it looks as if, within the broader world when folks say observe your coronary heart, it’s typically in distinction to residing as much as sure expectations that different folks may need for you or wishes that they’ve for you. The encouragement is, “You do what you your self, in your personal coronary heart, know to be proper and true for you, and don’t take heed to all these outdoors voices that wish to make you be who they need you to be.” And it simply appears like the idea is that the human coronary heart is that this dependable information to in the end understanding who I must be. Whereas I feel Scripture would say, “Your coronary heart isn’t that dependable. Our hearts are deceitful, truly.” Is {that a} issue that you just assume is at play right here, too?

Christina Fox
Oh, undoubtedly. The Bible tells us that what we want is a brand new coronary heart. We’d like a surgical process achieved to take away our coronary heart of stone so we are able to have a coronary heart of flesh—a coronary heart that is aware of God and loves him.

Matt Tully
So let’s discuss concerning the ebook somewhat bit. It’s actually enjoyable to learn. It’s very easy to learn. The illustrations are stunning and simply whimsical and simply enjoyable to have a look at. You hit on a number of other ways and a number of completely different classes during which youngsters could be tempted to outline themselves or establish themselves. And as I learn by way of it, although, I observed that it looks as if there’s just a few completely different broad classes or groupings of those traits, maybe, that you just had been attempting to hit on. So I ponder if you happen to might stroll us by way of that. What had been these broad classes?

Christina Fox
I attempted to level out various things that I do know youngsters might be drawn to to find their identification. One is within the issues that they do, the issues that they’re good at, the issues that we are saying, “Oh, wow! Take a look at you! You’re superb! You may run quicker than your pals!” Or, “You’re a star athlete.”

Matt Tully
“You’re in superior math.”

Christina Fox
Yeah. “You win all of the spelling bees”—these sorts of issues.

Matt Tully
And as mother and father, we’re looking out for these. We’re looking out for tactics during which our youngsters are performing above common. I do know for me, I wish to name that out for them.

Christina Fox
And there’s nothing improper with encouraging our youngsters within the items that God has given them. However identical to so many good issues in life, they’re fast to develop into inordinate issues. And so it is necessary that we mood or simply be looking out for the ways in which these issues develop into idols in our personal hearts about our youngsters or for them as nicely. So I discuss concerning the issues that they do and the issues that individuals say about them. I discussed my report playing cards, however youngsters typically hear from all of the lecturers of their life, “You by no means sit nonetheless. You’re so squirmy”—these sorts of issues. Possibly that’s one thing that they tackle as their identification. “I’m the troublemaker within the classroom,” for instance.

Matt Tully
I’m certain even what friends say might be so influential. As my youngsters become older, they’re turning into increasingly more conscious of what different youngsters are pondering and saying about them, and people interpersonal relationships and fame points develop into such a giant deal for teenagers.

Christina Fox
Yeah. Children level out to one another the ways in which they costume or the way in which their hair appears. They level out all kinds of issues and begin to make enjoyable of one another about it. And that hurts us. It hurts our youngsters.

Matt Tully
Going again to the problem of what youngsters can do, whether or not it’s teachers or sports activities, how ought to we, as mother and father, take into consideration mentioning these issues and speaking about these issues? On the one hand, we don’t wish to encourage our youngsters to root their identities in these issues, but when our child works actually arduous and research and does an awesome job on that science take a look at, I need to have the ability to name that out and say, “Good job with that! You probably did good work.” Any recommendation for the way we speak about that in a useful approach?

Christina Fox
I feel the vital factor is wanting our youngsters to have the correct coronary heart posture towards these issues. And so instructing them from the ebook of Genesis about how God created us. And he gave everybody completely different items, and that’s great and superb, however we use these items not for our glory however for his. And I feel that as we continually root in that and that their wonderful math abilities are for use for God’s glory, after they do nicely on a take a look at, say, “Let’s pray and thank God for that. Thank him for supplying you with the information to do nicely in your math quiz.” Or, “Thank God that you just accomplish that nicely on the soccer workforce and that you just helped your workforce win the sport. That’s superior! But it surely was for God’s glory, and we have to honor him for that.”

Matt Tully
That’s such a easy suggestion, to only lead our youngsters in prayer to God and acknowledge his function in that and acknowledge that he’s in the end the one which we’re in search of to honor and glorify in all of this.

Christina Fox
Sure, as a result of I feel that over time, the extra that turns into like a behavior, then they don’t assume, Oh, that was me. I did that. Nicely, no. God did that by way of you.

Matt Tully
Possibly one different space or class that you just hit on within the ebook is problems with how we really feel—our feelings. I feel for teenagers, but additionally for us as adults, so typically our feelings are inclined to drive and dictate our actions and our phrases and the way we even take into consideration ourselves. And I feel culturally, as we’ve already stated, letting our feelings and our emotions drive how we view ourselves is such a giant factor proper now. It’s so inspired in a number of methods, even in very excessive methods relating to gender and sexuality. So how will we educate our youngsters how you can rightly assess their very own feelings and let these inform how they view themselves?

Christina Fox
It’s an awesome query. I feel a number of occasions it has to do with how we reply to their emotional expressions. If our child is indignant and has a tantrum about one thing, or if that appears to be one thing they do loads, it’s straightforward for us to reply and say, “Why are you all the time so indignant?” We are able to say that sort of a factor the place we’re sort of lumping them into this class of being the indignant child, or being the child who all the time cries at all the pieces. “Why can’t you simply cease crying?” These sorts of responses I feel do play a giant function in that. So how we reply to our youngsters and what we are saying to them after they’re in that second I feel performs an vital function in instructing them that. After which in that second additionally, simply serving to them to be taught to cry out to God with that and convey these feelings to the Lord and inform him, “God, I’m actually mad proper now as a result of my buddy didn’t invite me to the celebration.” Or, “My sister stole my toy from me.” Simply with the ability to voice that to the Lord is an effective behavior for them to be taught.

Matt Tully
On the finish of every of those sections in your ebook, the place you’re addressing completely different traits or traits that, once more, youngsters can establish themselves with, there’s this recurring chorus. It’s a query: “Is that what makes you, you?” You ask that over and over. “Is that what makes you, you?” And the reply is all the time no. “No, that’s not what makes you, you.” What had been you getting at with that recurring query?

Christina Fox
I wished them to essentially assume by way of how these could be true statements or true issues—

Matt Tully
You’re good at math.

Christina Fox
You’re good at math. Or sure, you would possibly really feel a sure approach in the present day, otherwise you would possibly like to put on hats. You’re a collector of hats. That’s one thing you take pleasure in doing. However that’s not likely who you are. Repetition is among the ways in which we educate issues, and so I wished them to essentially get that.

Matt Tully
I feel for teenagers and for us as adults, we would consider ourselves by way of these lenses. “I all the time put on hats,” or no matter that could be. “I’m a supervisor at my job, and I’ve individuals who report back to me.” We expect these issues about ourselves, however we don’t typically explicitly assume, Oh, that’s my identification, however it’s working in that approach. In order that’s one factor I beloved about that chorus is you’re bringing to the floor, “Is that what makes you, you?” That can assist youngsters, and possibly their mother and father as nicely, actually ask that query of, “Is that this how I take into consideration myself, initially?” And you then’re instructing that’s not how we should always root our identities. That leads into a giant space that I wished to hit on briefly right here. So typically our youngsters decide up these habits of thought, even these habits of identification formation, from us as their mother and father. And this matter of the place you’re rooting your identification is simply as related for us as mother and father as it’s for our youngsters. What phrase of recommendation would you provide to oldsters as we take into consideration questions of identification?

Christina Fox
I battle with it myself. I’m a mother, I’m a author, and no matter it could be, however these issues change loads. I’m quickly getting into an empty nest stage of life, the place my function as a mother modifications considerably. I suppose that’s revealed completely different idols in my coronary heart of displaying how I’ve discovered my identification in motherhood, in my objective, and feeling a bit unanchored as my youngsters don’t want me as they as soon as did. One child I nearly infrequently see as a result of he’s simply gone doing all his issues. He doesn’t want a chauffeur anymore. And so that may depart me feeling floundering. What’s my objective in the present day if I’m not doing this factor? And so for me, it actually has revealed idols of my coronary heart. And I feel that’s the place our hearts naturally go is to take these issues that we discover our identification in and exalting them and in an inordinate approach.

Matt Tully
I feel the most effective youngsters’s books are books you could learn along with your child, however you’re additionally getting that very same message. You’re additionally being challenged and prompted in related methods. That’s what makes a superb Disney film, as we referenced. They work on a number of ranges. And I feel that’s true for teenagers books, and I feel that’s one thing that your ebook does so nicely. My guess is that as mother and father learn this to their youngsters and assist to form how their youngsters take into consideration themselves, they too can be challenged and pushed in the direction of questioning, How am I rooting my identification proper now? What am I placing an excessive amount of weight on, by way of what I can do?

Christina Fox
Yeah. As a result of I feel that as we as mother and father discover our identification in who we’re in Christ, that makes it simpler for us to coach our youngsters in that approach, actually.

Matt Tully
Christina, thanks a lot for taking the time in the present day to stroll us by way of what you’re doing on this new ebook and possibly assist all of us assume somewhat bit extra fastidiously about how we view ourselves after which as mother and father how we’re instructing our youngsters to do this as nicely.

Christina Fox
Thanks for having me.

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